Discipline

Grand Traverse Children's Clinic, P.C.

3537 W. Front St.<= /st1:address>, Ste. G

Traverse City, MI 496= 84

(231) 935-8822

<= /span>

Discipline Basics

About Discipline

The first goal of discipline is to protect your child from danger. Another very important goal is to = teach your child an understanding of right from wrong. Good discipline gradually changes a self-centered child into a mature adult who is thoughtful and respectful of others, assertive without being hostile, and in control of his or her impulses. Reasonable limit-se= tting keeps us from raising a "spoiled" child. The word "discipline" me= ans "to teach." It does= not mean "to punish."

To teach respect for = the rights of others, first teach your child about parents' rights. Children need parents who are &quo= t;in charge." Begin external controls by 6 months of age. Children start to develop internal controls (self-control) at 3 or 4 years of age. They continue t= o need external controls, in gradually decreasing amounts, through adolescence.

If your child has sev= eral discipline problems or is out of control, start reading the section titled "How to Begin a Discipline Program." If you want to learn more about no= rmal discipline, go directly to the section titled "Guidelines for Setting Rules."

How To Begin a Discipline Program

1. List problem behaviors. =

What do you want to change? Over the next 3 or 4 = days, note and write down your child's inappropriate or annoying behavior traits.

2. Set priorities for correcting the problem behavior.

Some misbehavior needs immediate attention; for instance, behavior that might harm your child or others. Some behavior is too annoying or obnoxious to be ignored (such as not going to bed). Some unpleasant behavior (such as negativism--that is, saying "No" all the time between age 2 and 3= ) is normal and should be tolerated. Some families with a child who is out of control have too many rules= and need to think about what misbehavior can be overlooked.

3. Write house rules= about the most important kinds of misbehavior.&n= bsp;

See the section titled "Guidelines for Setting Rules."

4. Decide what punis= hment you will use for each type of misbehavior.=

All behavior, good an= d bad, is mainly affected (or shaped) by consequences. If the consequence is pleasant (for example, a reward or praise), the child is more likely to repeat that behavior. If the consequence = is unpleasant (a punishment), the child is less likely to do the same thing again.

Young children usuall= y do not respond to lectures or reminders. Actions speak louder than words.&nb= sp; The most effective actions are ignoring the misbehavior, redirecting= the child to appropriate behavior, or giving your child a time-out.

For further informati= on on forms of punishment, see the section titled "Discipline Techniques.&qu= ot;

5. Temporarily stop = any physical punishment.

Most out-of-control children are already too aggressive. Physical punishment teaches them that it's OK to be aggressive (for example, hit or hurt someone else) to solve problems.

6. Stop yelling.

Yelling and screaming= teach your child to yell back; you are thereby legitimizing shouting matches. Your child will sense from your ye= lling that you are not feeling in charge. Yelling often escalates the disagreement into a win-lose battle. Your child will respond better in = the long run to a pleasant tone of voice and words of diplomacy.

7. Don't take your c= hild to public places until his or her behavior is under control at home.

Misbehaving children = are usually more difficult to control in a shopping mall or supermarket than at home. Leave your child with a= baby sitter or spouse when you need to go to these places.

8. Take daily breaks= from your child.

Ask your spouse to gi= ve you a break from supervising your young child, to take over all the discipline = for a few hours. If this is impos= sible, hire a teenager a few times a week to look after your child while you go ou= t. Also make a "date" for a weekly night out with your spouse or a friend.

9. Give your child m= ore positive feedback.

Children respond to discipline from people they feel loved by and want to please. Every child needs daily praise, sm= iles, and hugs. Give your child this increased attention when he or she is not demanding it, especially if the c= hild is behaving well. Try especia= lly hard to notice the times when your child is being good. If your child receives more negati= ve comments and criticisms each day than positive responses, you need to resto= re an emotionally healthy balance by having less rules, criticizing your child less, and giving your child more praise and affection. Many experts feel that it takes se= veral positive contacts to counter one negative one. (For further information, see the section titled "Guidelines for Positive Reinforcement.")

10. Protect your child's self-esteem.

Your child's self-est= eem is more important than how well disciplined he or she is. Don't discuss your child's discipl= ine problems and your concerns about him or her when your child is around. Correct your child in a kind way.<= span style=3D'mso-spacerun:yes'> Sometimes begin your correction wi= th "I'm sorry I can't let you ...."= Don't label your child a "bad girl" or "bad boy." After punishment is over, welcome your child back into the family circle, telling him or her th= at all is forgiven. <= /span>

Guidelines for Setting Rules

1. Begin discipline = at about 6 months of age. <= /o:p>

Newborns don't need a= ny discipline. Starting at 6 mon= ths, however, parents can begin to clarify their own rights. If your child makes it difficult to change a diaper by kicking and wiggling you can say firmly, "No, help Mommy change your diaper." By 8 months of age, children need rules for their own safety.

2. Express each misbehavior as a clear and concrete rule.&= nbsp;

Your child may not understand vague descriptions of misbehavior such as "hyperactive,&quo= t; "irresponsible," or "mean." The younger the child, the more co= ncrete the rule must be. Examples of= clear rules are: "Don't push y= our brother" and "Don't interrupt me on the telephone."

3. Also state the acceptable, desired, adaptive, or appropriate behavior.

Your child needs to k= now what is expected of him or her. Examples are: "Pl= ay with your brother," "Look at books when I'm on the telephone,&quo= t; or "Walk, don't run." Make your praise of good behavior specific; for example, "Thank= you for being quiet."

4. Ignore unimportan= t or irrelevant misbehavior. =

The more rules you ha= ve, the less likely your child is to obey them. Constant criticism usually doesn't work. Behavior such as swingi= ng the legs, poor table manners, or normal negativism is unimportant during the ea= rly years.

5. Use rules that ar= e fair and attainable.

Rules must fit your c= hild's age. A child should not be pu= nished for clumsiness when he or she is learning to walk, nor for poor pronunciati= on when the child is learning to speak. In addition, a child should not be punished for behavior that is par= t of normal emotional development, such as thumbsucking, fears of being separate= d from his or her parents, and toilet training accidents.

6. Concentrate on tw= o or three rules initially. <= /o:p>

Give highest pri= ority to issues of safety, such as not running into the street, and to the preven= tion of harm to others. Of next importance is behavior that damages property. Then come all the annoying behavior traits that wear you down.

7. Avoid trying to c= hange "no-win" power struggles through punishment.

"No-win behavior= " is behavior that usually cannot be controlled by the parent if the child decides to continue it. Examp= les are wetting pants, hair pulling, thumbsucking, body rocking, masturbation, = not eating enough, not going to sleep, and refusal to complete schoolwork. The first step in resolving such a= power struggle is to withdraw from the conflict and stop punishing your child for= the misbehavior. Then give your c= hild positive reinforcement, such as praise, when he or she behaves as you'd like. (See the section titled "Guidelines for Positive Reinforcement.")

8. Apply the rules consistently.

After the parents agr= ee on the rules, it may be helpful to write them down and post them in a conspicu= ous place in the home.

Discipline Techniques (Including Consequences)

1. Summary of techni= ques to use for different ages

The techniques mentio= ned here are further described after this list.

• From birth to 6 months: no discipline necessary. =

• From 6 months to 3 years: structuring the home environment, distracting, ignoring, verbal and nonverbal disapproval, movin= g or escorting, and temporary time-out. <= /span>

• From 3 years to 5 years: the preceding techniqu= es (especially temporary time-out), plus natural consequences, restricting pla= ces where the child can misbehave, and logical consequences.

• From 5 years to adolescence: the preceding techniques plus delay of a privilege, "I" messages, and negotiati= on and family conferences. Struc= turing the environment and distraction can be discontinued.

• Adolescence: logical consequences, "I" messages, and family conferences about house rules. By the time your child is an adole= scent, you should stop using manual guidance and time-out techniques.

2. Structuring the h= ome environment

You can change your c= hild's surroundings so that an object or situation that could cause a problem is eliminated. Examples are: putting breakables out of reach, f= encing in a yard, setting up gates, putting locks on a special desk, or locking certain rooms.

3. Distracting your = child from misbehavior

Distracting a young c= hild from temptation by attracting his or her attention to something else is especially helpful when the child is in someone else's house, a physician's office, or a store. It would = be difficult to use other options for discipline (such as time-out) in such places. You may also want to = give your child something to distract him or her from trouble if you're going to= be busy at home with guests, the telephone, or feeding a baby. Most children can be distracted wi= th toys or food. School-age chil= dren may need books, games, or other activities to keep their attention. Distracting is also called "diverting" or "redirecting."

4. Ignoring the misbehavior

Ignoring helps stop unacceptable behavior that is harmless--such as tantrums, sulking, whining, quarreling, or interrupting. = The proper way to ignore this behavior is to move away from your child, turn yo= ur back, avoid eye contact, and stop any conversation with your child. Ignore any protests or excuses. Sometimes you may need to leave th= e area where your child is misbehaving. Ignoring is also called extinction.=

5. Verbal and nonver= bal disapproval

Mild disapproval is o= ften all that is required to stop a young child's misbehavior. Get close to your child, get eye contact, look stern, and give a brief, direct instruction, such as "No" or "Stop." You can speak in a disapproving but soft tone because you are close = to your child. Show your child w= hat you want him or her to do. Yo= u may want to underscore that you are serious by pointing or shaking your finger. The most common mista= ke parents make when they use this technique is smiling or laughing.

6. Moving or escorti= ng (manual guidance)

"Manual guidance= " means that you move a child from one place to another against his or her will. Sometimes children must= be physically moved from a place where they are causing trouble to a time-out chair. At other times they mu= st be taken to the bed, bath, or car if they refuse to go on their own. Guide your child by the hand or fo= rearm. If your child refuses to be led, p= ick the child up from behind and carry him or her.

7. Temporary time-ou= t or social isolation

Time-out removes the = child from the scene of the unacceptable behavior to a boring place (for example,= a playpen, corner, chair, or bedroom). Time-out is the most effective discipline technique available to par= ents for dealing with misbehaving infants and young children. Time-outs should last about 1 minu= te per year of age and not more than 5 minutes.&n= bsp;

8. Natural consequen= ces

By experiencing the n= atural consequences of his or her own actions, your child learns good behavior from the natural laws of the physical world.&nb= sp; Examples are: Coming to dinner late means the food will be cold; not dressing properly for the weather means your child will be cold or wet; not wearing mittens while playing in the snow will lead to cold hands; running = on ice can lead to falling down; putting sand in the mouth leads to an unpleas= ant taste; breaking a toy means it isn't fun to play with anymore; and going to= bed late means being sleepy in the morning.&nb= sp; Although it is very helpful for children to learn from their mistake= s, it is important that they not be allowed to do anything that could hurt the= m or others, such as by playing with matches or running into the street.

9. Restricting places where a child can misbehave

This technique is esp= ecially helpful for behavior problems that can't be eliminated. Allowing such misbehavior as nose picking and masturbation in your child's room prevents an unnecessary power struggle. Roughhousing can be restricted to outdoors. You m= ay decide to allow your child to ride the tricycle only in the basement during winter.

10. Logical consequences

Logical consequences = are consequences that you impose on your child as a result of his or her misbehavior. They should be logically related to the misbehavior, making your child accountable for his= or her problems and decisions. M= any logical consequences are simply the temporary removal of a possession or privilege. Examples are: taking away toys or crayons that a= re not handled properly, not replacing a lost toy, not repairing a broken toy, sen= ding your child to school partially dressed if the child won't dress himself or herself, having your child clean up milk the child has spilled or a floor t= he child has tracked mud on, having your child clean messy underwear, and turn= ing off the TV if children are quarreling about it. In addition, your child can tempor= arily lose TV, telephone, shopping, bicycle, and car privileges if they are misus= ed. The schoolteacher will provide appropriate logical consequences if your child does not complete homework assignments.

Do not punish childre= n by depriving them of basic essentials, such as a meal; organized activities wi= th groups such as a team or scout troop; or events your child has looked forwa= rd to for a long time, such as going to the circus.

11. Delay of a privilege

This technique involv= es requiring your child to finish a less preferable activity before a more preferable one is allowed ("work before play"). Examples are: "After you clean your room, y= ou can go out and play"; "When you finish your homework, you can watch TV"; and "When you have tasted all your foods, you can have dessert."

12. "I" messages <= /span>

When your child misbe= haves, tell your child how you feel. Say, "I am angry" or "I am upset when you do such and such." Your child is more likely to listen and respond positively to you than if everything you say to your child starts with "you."&nb= sp; "You" messages usually trigger a defensive reaction.

13. Negotiation and family conferences =

As children become ol= der they need more communication and discussion with their parents about problems. A parent can begin = such a conversation by saying, "We need to change these things. What are some ways we could handle this?" Discussions invol= ving the whole family (family conferences) also are helpful.

Guidelines For Giving Consequences (Punishments)

1. Be unambivalent.<= span style=3D'mso-spacerun:yes'>

Mean what you say. Be stern and tough.

2. Correct with love= .

Talk to your child th= e way you want people to talk to you. Avoid yelling or using a disrespectful tone of voice. For example, say gently, "I'm= sorry you left the yard. Now you mu= st stay in the house."

3. Give one warning = or reminder before you punish your child.&nbs= p;

When you know your ch= ild understands the rule, this warning is unnecessary and you can punish your c= hild without a warning. Be sure to= give the punishment instead of just repeating threats of punishment if your child doesn't stop what he or she is doing.

4. Punish your child= for clear intent of aggressive behavior.

Stop your child before someone is hurt or damage is done. An example would be that you see your child raising a toy to hit a playmate. <= /p>

5. Give the conseque= nce immediately.

Delayed consequences = are less effective because young children forget why they are being punished. Punishment should occur very soon = after the misbehavior and be administered by the adult who witnessed the misdeed. An exception for chi= ldren older than 4 or 5 years of age is when they misbehave outside the home, whe= re it is difficult to punish them. You could put checkmarks on your child's hand with a felt-tip pen to indicate t= he number of punishments the child will receive when you get home. The punishments might be 5 minutes= of time-out or 30 minutes of lost TV time for each checkmark.

6. Make a one-senten= ce comment about the rule when you punish your child.

Avoid making a long speech.

7. Ignore your child= 's arguments while you are correcting him or her.

This is the child's w= ay of delaying punishment. Have a discussion with your child at a later, more pleasant time. Especially under 3 years of age, children mainly understand action, not words.

8. Make the punishme= nt brief. =

Take toys out of circulation for no more than 1 or 2 days.&= nbsp; Time-outs should last no longer than 1 minute per year of the child's age.

9. Keep the conseque= nce in proportion to the misbehavior.

Also try to make the consequence relate to the misbehavior (logical consequences).

10. Follow the consequence with love and trust. =

Welcome your child ba= ck into the family circle and do not comment upon the previous misbehavior or require an apology for it.

11. Direct the punishment against the misbehavior, not the person. =

Avoid degrading comme= nts such as, "You never do anything right."

12. Don't be surprised if, for a short = time, your child misbehaves more often once you start disciplining your child consistently.

Children who are out = of control initially go through a phase of testing their parents before they comply with the new system. T= his testing usually lasts 2 or 3 days. <= /span>

Guidelines for Positive Reinforcement of Desired Behavior

Most parents don't gi= ve enough positive reinforcement, especially touching and hugs. Don't take good behavior for grant= ed. Watch for behavior you like, then praise your child by saying such things as "I like the way you ...," or "I appreciate ...." When you say this, move close to y= our child, look at him or her, smile, and be affectionate. A parent's affection and attention= is the favorite reward of most children.

There are two kinds of positive reinforcement: socia= l and material. Social positive reinforcement, such as praise, should be used when your child behaves in a desired way. Praise the behav= ior, not the person. Examples are sharing toys, having good manners, doing chores, playing cooperatively, treating the baby gently, petting the dog gently, being a good sport, clean= ing the room, or reading a book. = Your child can also be praised for trying, such as trying to use the potty or at= tempting something difficult, like a puzzle. Praise will make your child want to behave well more often. Try to "catch" your child being good, and comment on it three or more times for every one time you discipline or criticize your child.

Material reinforcers = are often candy, animal crackers, money or video-time. Use material reinforcers as incent= ives to increase the frequency of more responsible behavior. They may be useful in overcoming resistance when children are entrenched in power struggles around "no-win" behaviors (for example, wetting or soiling their pants). Material reinforcers = should be used for only one problem behavior at a time and when praise alone hasn't worked. They should be phased= out and replaced by natural (social) reinforcers as soon as possible.

Call Your Child's Health Care Provider During Office Hours If:

• Your child's misbehavior is dangerous.

• The instances of misbehavior seem too numerous to count.&nb= sp;

• Your child is also having behavior problems at school.

• Your child doesn'= t seem to have many good points.

• Your child seems depressed. =

• The parents can't= agree on discipline.

• You can't give up physical punishment. (Note: Call immediately if you are afraid= you might hurt your child.)

• The misbehavior d= oes not improve after 1 month of using this approach.

Written by B.D. Schmit= t, M.D., author of "Your Child's Health," Bantam Books.

This content is reviewed periodically and is subject to change as new health information becomes available. The information is intended to inform and educate and is not a replacement for medical evaluation, advice, diagnosis = or treatment by a healthcare professional.